This video is super powerful stuff. I think if people understood this stuff, we would have healthier families. If Christians understood this stuff, we wouldn't be throwing stones at the people we deem "unholy"...we'd actually be a good example, and we'd actually have the ability and the habit of thinking and walking in love with them, just like Jesus did (remember how he hung out with what culture said were 'bad' people??). We'd maybe even talk to our own kids and spouses with more love. But, alas...we are all flawed. That's where 'grace' comes in - the redemptive working of choosing to allow the Spirit of peace, sent by the God who knows our hearts, to change us.
On a quick side-note I really felt overwhelmed with thankfulness that my husband's attitude towards me was embodied by that second example he gave of a situation where someone could respond in either words of 'death' or 'life'. Great example of how people the "church" sees as outsiders or 'nonbelievers' can actually be walking in the love that is like God's love - pretty amazing and important to understand. (Romans 2:12-16 comes to mind).
I came upon this video as I was researching the author of Age of Opportunity, the next book I have on my list to read. It has been really years since I cracked a 'parenting' book. This one is up next, and is the first book written from a biblical perspective in my line-up. Can I be honest here? Some books that have been recommended to me with a biblical slant are, well...eh, not so helpful is the nicest way to say it. I really wanted to do a bit of digging on who this guy was before I even held the book at the library. I will say that this book has glowing reviews on Amazon. 36 five-star reviews and 1 four-star review. So, that's something. But wait, you don't have a teen, you might be thinking. I will in 2.5 years and honestly, we're already starting on the pre-teen challenges so I wanted to be able to at least skim this one for future reference.
There is much more I'd like to say on the video above and how it relates and confirms to what I am reading and learning right now in the current book I am reading, Transforming the difficult child: The Nurtured Heart Approach. See, when you truly have an intense child, you're going to have exchanges that you may have never had in your entire life. With anyone. It's really hard to make anyone understand with a few anecdotes, or words what exactly it is like. This author gets it. He gets it because it's not just 'how to affirm your child' or 'how to discipline all defiance away'...it's both. And, with a strong-willed, intense child, you have to be so intentional about being positive that it seems unnatural. Or at least, seeing the positive was not easy for me. The best way I can describe this really important book is that it really aims at diffusing all that negative stuff (because THAT ends up being what these kids actually have a sort of addiction to despite how odd that sounds), and it allows the parent to control the amount of energy expended on any one negative behavior. It allows the kid that thinks they are "bad" to have positive things said to them and about them.
For me, it's about catching her in the good. I can see now, that sadly, I wasn't aiming to do that. It's easy to become sarcastic, to brace yourself, to meet that attack with aggression and anger - real 'human' responses. The intense child already has negative emotions about themselves, it's my job to teach her the discipline of seeing the positive. In herself, in others, and in her own situation. We want that intensity redirected into positive things - things she's capable of, things I have seen in her, and in ways that I know she wants to do and be. My husband and I realized that although she does great in school, it's partly because she doesn't want people to see that negativity. For some kids that doesn't matter to them, so I'm thankful for that. Oftentimes intense kids, rather than "defiant" kids, will leave that behavior at home, which again, is hard for people to understand. I've spent many an hour trying to dissect this child's behavior. I'm definitely an expert on her, yet I had absolutely no idea how to parent her while keeping everyone's own personality and rights protected. I really feel like this book is already priceless to me, and thankful that someone - anyone - understands!!
On a quick side-note I really felt overwhelmed with thankfulness that my husband's attitude towards me was embodied by that second example he gave of a situation where someone could respond in either words of 'death' or 'life'. Great example of how people the "church" sees as outsiders or 'nonbelievers' can actually be walking in the love that is like God's love - pretty amazing and important to understand. (Romans 2:12-16 comes to mind).
I came upon this video as I was researching the author of Age of Opportunity, the next book I have on my list to read. It has been really years since I cracked a 'parenting' book. This one is up next, and is the first book written from a biblical perspective in my line-up. Can I be honest here? Some books that have been recommended to me with a biblical slant are, well...eh, not so helpful is the nicest way to say it. I really wanted to do a bit of digging on who this guy was before I even held the book at the library. I will say that this book has glowing reviews on Amazon. 36 five-star reviews and 1 four-star review. So, that's something. But wait, you don't have a teen, you might be thinking. I will in 2.5 years and honestly, we're already starting on the pre-teen challenges so I wanted to be able to at least skim this one for future reference.
There is much more I'd like to say on the video above and how it relates and confirms to what I am reading and learning right now in the current book I am reading, Transforming the difficult child: The Nurtured Heart Approach. See, when you truly have an intense child, you're going to have exchanges that you may have never had in your entire life. With anyone. It's really hard to make anyone understand with a few anecdotes, or words what exactly it is like. This author gets it. He gets it because it's not just 'how to affirm your child' or 'how to discipline all defiance away'...it's both. And, with a strong-willed, intense child, you have to be so intentional about being positive that it seems unnatural. Or at least, seeing the positive was not easy for me. The best way I can describe this really important book is that it really aims at diffusing all that negative stuff (because THAT ends up being what these kids actually have a sort of addiction to despite how odd that sounds), and it allows the parent to control the amount of energy expended on any one negative behavior. It allows the kid that thinks they are "bad" to have positive things said to them and about them.
For me, it's about catching her in the good. I can see now, that sadly, I wasn't aiming to do that. It's easy to become sarcastic, to brace yourself, to meet that attack with aggression and anger - real 'human' responses. The intense child already has negative emotions about themselves, it's my job to teach her the discipline of seeing the positive. In herself, in others, and in her own situation. We want that intensity redirected into positive things - things she's capable of, things I have seen in her, and in ways that I know she wants to do and be. My husband and I realized that although she does great in school, it's partly because she doesn't want people to see that negativity. For some kids that doesn't matter to them, so I'm thankful for that. Oftentimes intense kids, rather than "defiant" kids, will leave that behavior at home, which again, is hard for people to understand. I've spent many an hour trying to dissect this child's behavior. I'm definitely an expert on her, yet I had absolutely no idea how to parent her while keeping everyone's own personality and rights protected. I really feel like this book is already priceless to me, and thankful that someone - anyone - understands!!
Edited to add - The book has an big section on consequences as well; it aims at the balance of building up and consequences delivered in a healthy way.
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