I never would have imagined my days would be at home with these four kids. I never even entertained the thought of being a stay-at-home mom EVER in all my days, even when I got married. I guess when you are nineteen and you get married you aren't really thinking about long term family. Had I been, I'm not sure if I ever would have gotten married.
I remember a friend and I in high school discussing how we'd never have kids because of the pain of childbirth.
But then there was my dream. It wasn't a dream I had at night, or an epiphany, or a conscious thought..
It was more like a wish in the back of my mind for a big family. A big family that I was always a little envious of when I saw others enjoy theirs. Actually, Josh and I both have the same ideas about this. We both come from families spread out all over, but he did end up with some cousins nearby. Me? Alone. Totally alone until I joke that I essentially prayed my little brother into existence when I was eight. No nearby aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers or sisters. If there's anything melancholy about me at all, it's lonely - lonely that sat on my being until my brother was born.
No, I never consciously wished for a big family and there were times that I wondered if me wanting a baby was a good thing. Then my God would remind me that even though I don't see things lining up correctly, that his timing is different than ours. So different that even a false diagnosis of infertility was thrown in the mix. What a surprise when I found out that little diagnosis was wrong. That wouldn't be the first time a doctor has missed the mark, and it probably won't be the last. Also, that time in our lives was marked by poverty, uncertainty, job loss, and then a breakthrough. But it was still tough.
But my babies always seem to bless us just when we need them.
On Tuesday our fourth baby will turn ONE and I can't believe how we cherish and love every moment. She makes us laugh with her huge squinty-eyed grins and I think when she smiles that her nose looks like a koala because it flattens as it crinkles. It's just the cutest.
She is learning to walk and can go just small distances if encouraged.
She absolutely devours our garden cucumbers...loves them!
I decided to make her felties for her birthday and will post pictures of how they came out when I give them to her. Here is a sneak peek of Big brother sewing her a monarch and learning a blanket stitch...now that's a good big brother!
I have to say, I am having to unlearn some of the ideas I had about feminism, empowerment, and the like. I love to stay home and I know that no decision means more or less freedom. Freedom comes from learning to be happy in your circumstances.
In more general terms I have learned that although there isn't a lot of happy to be found in certain struggles, there is a strength that can be learned. I am hoping that I can teach my kids this spirit of endurance by example and that life certainly can't be kept in a box. We only have a few pieces of the larger puzzle at a time.
I know I'm mixing this post up with varying degrees of happy and weird melancholy existentialism and somehow encouraging hindsight, but that's where I'm at today.
I remember a friend and I in high school discussing how we'd never have kids because of the pain of childbirth.
But then there was my dream. It wasn't a dream I had at night, or an epiphany, or a conscious thought..
It was more like a wish in the back of my mind for a big family. A big family that I was always a little envious of when I saw others enjoy theirs. Actually, Josh and I both have the same ideas about this. We both come from families spread out all over, but he did end up with some cousins nearby. Me? Alone. Totally alone until I joke that I essentially prayed my little brother into existence when I was eight. No nearby aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers or sisters. If there's anything melancholy about me at all, it's lonely - lonely that sat on my being until my brother was born.
No, I never consciously wished for a big family and there were times that I wondered if me wanting a baby was a good thing. Then my God would remind me that even though I don't see things lining up correctly, that his timing is different than ours. So different that even a false diagnosis of infertility was thrown in the mix. What a surprise when I found out that little diagnosis was wrong. That wouldn't be the first time a doctor has missed the mark, and it probably won't be the last. Also, that time in our lives was marked by poverty, uncertainty, job loss, and then a breakthrough. But it was still tough.
But my babies always seem to bless us just when we need them.
On Tuesday our fourth baby will turn ONE and I can't believe how we cherish and love every moment. She makes us laugh with her huge squinty-eyed grins and I think when she smiles that her nose looks like a koala because it flattens as it crinkles. It's just the cutest.
She is learning to walk and can go just small distances if encouraged.
She absolutely devours our garden cucumbers...loves them!
 |
| Just eatin' a cuc like it's an apple - straight from the garden. |
I decided to make her felties for her birthday and will post pictures of how they came out when I give them to her. Here is a sneak peek of Big brother sewing her a monarch and learning a blanket stitch...now that's a good big brother!
 |
| Brother sewing baby E's monarch |
In more general terms I have learned that although there isn't a lot of happy to be found in certain struggles, there is a strength that can be learned. I am hoping that I can teach my kids this spirit of endurance by example and that life certainly can't be kept in a box. We only have a few pieces of the larger puzzle at a time.
I know I'm mixing this post up with varying degrees of happy and weird melancholy existentialism and somehow encouraging hindsight, but that's where I'm at today.
No comments:
Post a Comment