A New Phase

Our first-born. The one who had to "break us in". In many ways I feel very bad for her because new parents have no idea what they are doing! I was also a first born, but liked the responsibility and time I had with my parents before my brother was born. I didn't really know my first born was different than any other child until I had the two boys.

I would classify her young life as "special needs". Honestly. When sock seams can send a four year old into a two hour tirade tantrum. When a trip to the grocery store, might mean screaming all the way home, just because. People say, "pick your battles". They don't understand that life is the battle to the strong willed child. People always ask me, "What sets her off?" I find myself mumbling a little and saying the first thing that pops into my head. It sounds trivial and stupid. They just don't understand. You can't always give your child "more". At some point their will crosses with yours or someone else's during the day.

And then, ka-blooey!!

It's never the same thing - it just depends on the factors of what is going on in her brain at the time. I don't even know if what she is, is "strong willed'. We are taking her to our church's licensed marriage and family therapist. What concerns me now, is that she is ten and still having trouble with her emotions - controlling them, and communicating them. Except now, I notice the anxiety. She's known to shout in the mornings, "It's 8:30!! We're going to be late. WE'RE ALWAYS LATE!! COME ON...HURRY UP!!!" 

Mind you school starts at 9 and we are four minutes from school. Or this morning:

"NO MARKERS! NO MARKER! NO MARKERS! NO MARKERS!!!" to her little brother when he walked in her room after we had just woken up. She is extremely anxious about her things and will tear up and cry at the thought of giving up her bed for the night for a house guest - if we have more than one guest and we need the room.

In school, her teacher says she seems a little apprehensive to raise her hand (DD had already told me that). She has gotten pretty much all A's - that goes right along with what I think is a "perfectionist" issue. 

Wow, I am really glad to record this down, it feels great! I think more parents should be able to share their struggles. I share because I know we are about to possibly get some answers. Because I know that God is with us, and I trust him with her heart. Even if it doesn't change until she's old, I trust God with my daughter's heart. I know she loves me - she tells me in cards and letters. But it's hard to remember that when she is complaining, yelling, challenging everything. Ahh, parenthood. It does make me feel closer to God. This is how he feels about us, 'I love you, I am taking care of you...if you'd just let me!!!'

Aside from seeing a counselor, I really had it on my heart to make a rubric for her. The rubric lists positive behaviors, "just getting by" behaviors, and "Stop" behaviors. The "Stop" behavior means that she has had sufficient warning and knows that it is wrong. Punishments and/or removal of a privilege is written on a piece of paper, and Daddy draws out one randomly. No bartering - it is what it is. The "Go" behaviors means that she is working toward her goal of earning allowance and buying a touch screen MP3 player.

The week went pretty well. For three days, she didn't have a bad "Stop" behavior. Until I absolutely insisted she take a shower. It. was. needed. We had a little problem when the arguing turned to yelling on her part.

She was excited to find out which punishment. She loves order and justice - I guess even when it applies to herself. I think she also LOVES when mom and dad are assertive. Contrary to what many permissive parents think, kids really do love and need guidelines and boundaries. They feel secure and loved. I don't feel that we were giving that to her before. Just hollering. That's just not good. 

So, here's to a new phase!! I will keep updates on our progress/challenges.